Monday, January 9, 2012

Who Would’ve Imagine A King- Happy Birthday, My Baby

January 10th, 1985. How do I feel about this date? A song comes to mind.

One day an Angel said quietly,
That soon he would bring something special to me
And of all the wonderful gifts he could bring
Who would imagine, who could imagine,
Who would imagine a King?

27. That’s how old you’ll be this year. And just typing this makes me want to cry all over again. The last past months, I’ve been nothing but Miss Waterworks. I metamorphosed and fluctuated. Some days I find myself veering dangerously off the edge and no matter how far I dig, or how I reason with myself, I can feel my fingers start to slip. Because deep down inside me, the unseen, untouched me, I wanted Life to end. I wanted to let go simply because fighting seems so hard. Unyielding and totally pointless. If for some reason I woke up on the right side of the bed, some days will find me battling ferociously to live the Life that has been taken away from you all too soon. I was determined to laugh for you, to see for you, to feel for you and to breathe for you. Somewhere in between Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde, I lost myself.

The Great Depression came for me the day I come crashing down to Earth. Literally and literary. You might want to stop laughing at the literally part of it. It’s not funny, at all. Life waits for no one. Not even when you forgot to set your alarm, and you arrived late to work. Not when you needed just another hour of sleep and you wish you could stop the hands of time. Not even when your baby leaves you and you had to bury him with your own hands. No, not even then.

Words cannot begin to describe just how I feel back then. I could barely function and everything was just black. It was like finally, I realised. It dawn on me that this is real now. That you were gone. And for the love of everything, I will not be able to see you anymore. Couldn’t hear you. Couldn’t feel you. The magnitude of it all thrashed me into a bottomless pit. Any efforts at all on my part to rise above this was like playing on broken strings. And is exactly like the song that you were fond of. Only it was playing in my head from a different angle. 

Let me hold you for the last time,
It’s the last chance to feel again,
But you broke me, now I can’t feel anything.

Oh, it tears me up,
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much,
I tried to forgive but it’s not enough,
To make it all okay.

You can’t play on broken strings,
You can’t feel anything,
That your heart don’t want to feel,
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real.

At the end, how can I give anymore, when I love myself a little less than before?

I stayed on in my catatonic state for a week, neither here nor there. Not happy, not sad. Not angry or bitter. Just completely empty, barren and hollow. Until I fell down.

I was walking to get Denish a towel, because princess decided that she wanted to swim in the cold, in the middle of the night. I remember as I made my way down the dark deck, that this World is too heavy for me and Life is nothing but a temporary home. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the World on my shoulder and in my heart, was the heaviest sensation I’ve ever felt. It felt constricted, it felt like as if I was willing for it to stop beating. It feels like missing you. And that’s when my legs gave away. My body feels like it’s finally listening to my heart and is refusing to move on any longer.

I came crashing down and it was the agonizing pain in my ankle that shocked me back to reality. And I began to cry. I cried for the situation I was in. I cried for Mummy because she lost her baby. I cried for your friends for having lost a person who is truly irreplaceable. I cried for what you would become. I cried for your wife, your kids, your future and your past. I cried for myself for having lost the only brother I have. Mostly I cried for you. And then as abruptly as the tears came, it stopped. I sat there for about a few minutes which felt like an eternity. And I was presented with two choices.

I could holler to Hon, Denish or Evon and resigned myself to yet another sign of weakness. Or I could ‘suck it up, princess’, and pick myself up. One was easier than the other. It was crystal clear which option was the apparent one. I picked myself up. And at that moment, if I strained enough to hear, I would hear that familiar chuckle. And just like that, the World righted itself again.

And in my heart, I hear you sing a song that Rita sings to me whenever I am down.

When it’s black,
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around before it’s gone
You won’t let go but you still keep on falling down
Remember how you save me now from all of my wrongs.

If there’s love, just feel it,
And if there’s Life, we’ll see it.
This is no time to be alone,
I won’t let you go.

If your sky is falling,
Just take my hand and hold it.
You don’t have to be alone,
I won’t let you go.

And if you feel the fading of the light,
And you’re too weak to carry on the fight,
And all your friends that you count on have disappeared,
I’ll be here, not gone, forever holding on.

For your birthday today, Che celebrates you.

As your friend, I celebrate the awesomeness that you are. I applaud your loyalty, your allegiance. I honour today, your ability to always put others’ needs ahead of yours and your faith in friendship. I want to thank you for the countless times you lifted me out of the dumps with just a smile, or a hello, hey, how are you today? I am grateful for the memories you left behind for me, so I might be able to cherish them. I smile at the silly, outrageous things we’ve done when we were young and I want to tell you how thankful I am to be given a chance to grow up with you. For all the advises you gave me, I will remember them in time and carry in my hearts your words.

As your mummy, I celebrate a prince. My bouncing baby boy, who I have love with every being. A wish come true and my precious son. I miss you every second of the day. Not a day has pass that I have not thought of you. And in many ways, I’d like to remember the day you arrive safely in my arms, a gurgling chubby bundle of joy that I so adore. I love you doesn’t even begin to cover the magnitude of my love for you.

As your sister, I celebrate a king. My baby. My pillar of strength and my cynical touch stone. My other half. My strength and my weakness. My reality and my dreams. My voice of reasoning. My sanctuary. My friend, my confidante. My Life. My Love. My King.

Happy Birthday, Nik. I know I’ve said these three words too much too often. I love you. My wish for you this year will be no different from the rest of the years. 

And here it goes one more time..

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go.
And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
I hope you keep on walking, till you find a window,
If it’s cold outside, show the World the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish for you is that this Life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, and the places you left.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. We just want to tell him, that we miss him and love him very much.

Forever missing you,