I’ve often wondered, what would you’ve done if I had been
the one to say goodbye first. Would you miss me the way I do now? Would you be
able to hold a smile despite the hollow feeling clawing at your heart? Would
you have been able to tell yourself that things would get better as your eyes
get wetter and your spirits sink lower? Would you detach from reality the way I
do, when the feelings overwhelms you? Would you feel empty and forsaken even
when you have company around you?
You would not. For Nik, I’m sorry that I’m not as strong as
you are. They say I’m strong. I’m not. For the love of God, I’m not. I’m
clinging on to your memory. I’m grasping for breath on most days when the
absence of your presence defeats and conquers me. I’ve always depend on words.
Words.. They’ve never failed me. But when it comes to you, when it comes to the
subject of you, words mean nothing. Zip. Nada.
3 words. I miss you. The world has massacred those three
words so much it means shit. But do you fully understand what it means to be
missing someone you hold dear? Do you apprehend this? Are you fully conscious
of the impact of those three words? Do you? Do you know how much I pine for
you? How much exactly it is that I yearn for you? To have you around for the
simplest of all things? To just have you staring at me, not agreeing with the
latest bastard I want to give my heart away to? To have your eyes on me as you
encourage me to go through Life? To have the warmth of presence against me as you
hug me and tell me that, “Che, everything is going to be allright.”
3 words. I love you. And those aren’t even enough to fully
illustrate just how much I adore you. How do you fully express in words the
admiration, the devotion, and the sentiment a sister holds for her only baby
brother? You can’t. Because some things are bigger than mere words. Some
feelings cannot be articulated in definition, in speech or in voice. Some
feelings cannot be emphasised enough, however powerful that declaration may be.
Some words just falls short when it comes to loving you.
All these times, and nothing has changed much. I feel like
as if I cannot miss you any more than I am already. I don’t know how to
progress beyond where I’m currently standing. Some things I keep repeating to
myself, to keep me going is starting to lose its effect and the soreness of not
having you around is starting to engulf me in flames. But, tonight as I sit
here, writing this to you, I want to celebrate you.

Naturally when we arrived home for Chinese New Year, you set
on about your favourite day of the year. Chinese New Year eve has and always
will be your enfant gate, one that you
guarded quite ferociously. You insisted we go to the park behind the house,
your eyes just gleaming with excitement. You needed to test the lantern. I went
with you, playing along with the fuss. I was there when you lighted it up. I
was there when the lantern floated into the darkened sky. I was there, but I
didn’t quite understand, couldn’t quite put my fingers on what it was that you
were on about. I was there but I wasn’t present. I had other things on my mind,
which I have nothing but contrite for now. Things that seem almost sycophantic
now if you asked me. Worthless maybe. Wretched even. Shameless? Definitely. But
that’s another story, a different letter ey?
On this quiet night, I sit and I ponder. A sky full of
lighters. “What did that meant to you?” I used to ask myself. Why were you
always so fascinated by the idea of it? Really, baby. Those are just paper
lanterns. Charming, yes..but the giddiness you reserve for it? You’ll only ever
see me fall over myself like that if you buy me a pair of Loboutin.
But after what we’ve been through, I can only think of one.
One word. Hope.

I’m not sure how the rest were feeling, but personally for
me I was starting to feel slightly dampened and rather crestfallen. And those
feelings are no stranger to me. I’d even go as far as calling ‘em my wingman. And
naturally, I started questioning myself and chiding even, for having the
audacity to come up with this idea. What in the World was I thinking?
It was during this merciless self cross-examination that
someone started roaring. Aunty Julia. “Up! Dennis! Up!!”. And she continued so in
the next few seconds as the rest of us watched in trepidation. All eyes on the
lantern, which was swaying precariously, near the rocks. All hearts in our
mouths. Time stood still for a moment. And then, just as it looks like it was
gonna come crashing down, ever so slowly, and uncertainly, it started
ascending. And then, as if it started having a mind on its own, as if it was
defying all odds, it started to soar, resolutely, determinedly and zealously up
into the sky amidst scores of cheers and delight. “I’ll show you lot what it
feels like to fly! Up, up, here we go!!,” it seems to be saying. I released the
breath I held on.
And just like that, after so many years of being cynical and
quite morbid actually, I have hope restored back to where it belonged. I’m done
being resigned to what I think I deserve just because it was dished out to me.
I have every right to say, “No. This isn’t what I want.” I get it now. A sky
full of lighters means to you a beam of hope, a ray of hope, a glimmer of hope
and a flash of hope. And for that precious lesson that you’ve shown me, I will
feel hope, entertain hope, harbour hope, indulge hope, cherish hope, feed hope,
foster hope, encourage hope, cling to hope and ultimately live in hope. Because
I’m worth it. It’s a birthright given to me from the start, which throughout
the years has gotten lost buried under layers of failures, disappointments, misstep
and manifested upon slabs of dejections. But today, I discovered that like a
gleaming hope that fire still burns inside of me.
And I’d like to know that you were just watching from the
heavens above the day we re-created your very own sky full of lighters. And I’d
like to think that you’ve gotten all of our letters to you. I’ll keep this
letter short today.. And just as the lanterns that burn brightly that night,
I’d like you to know, that no matter how defeated I get in Life, when I feel as
if I couldn’t take one single step..days when I just don’t wanna wake up,
moments when I just feel like giving it all up, I’ll remember your fire for
Life, and just for your sake, I’ll battle this on. For everyday, everyday that
I survive, I’m just that closer to seeing you again.
Love,
Che
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