Just Say “Happy Birthday, Che” Again

Dear Nik,

Where do I start? It’s not even about turning the dreadful big 3-0 anymore. I’ve talked to you about this ever since I turned 25 and I started hyper-ventilating about the day I will turn 30. Shit, I’d say to you. Shit. Shit. Shit! No. No. Nooo, I’d wailed as you try and drown me out by gulping down your beer.

See, I’ve got it all plan down to a freakin T. By 30, I was supposed to have accomplished so many things. I was supposed to have my mystical dream wedding in Santorini, wearing an exquisite wedding gown, looking deep into the eyes of my soon-to-be-husband, thinking forever lies right there in his eyes. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle.. Standing tall, holding me, beaming proudly, as you take the first few steps with me down my new Life. Well, then..what a bond to break.. I’d find myself heaving on the floor as the realisation hits me, that I will never see you smiling back at me anymore.

By 30, I was supposed to already have kids. Two charming and precious angels who’d steal your heart even before they are born. Uncle Dennis would’ve simply spoil them to kingdom come, I would imagine. I’ve even envisioned my white picket fence house, sitting pretty. A picture perfect family.

I’ve always been a procrastinator. And with my birthday looming ahead, I realised just how completely off track my plans are. Husband, pah! I’d be over the moon if I don’t have another one breaking my heart. I’ve missed my mark..way over my head there.

I’m famous for making notorious wishes for my birthdays. That’s my way of making God laugh. Another trick for you. You wanna make God laugh? Tell him your wishes..and your incredible over the top plans for Life. I’d badger him, if I were you..

This birthday is one that I look upon with a lethal mix of dread, uneasiness and misgivings. Not because I’ve not achieved what I set out to do. But because it will be the first of many birthdays that I will not spend with you. And somehow, saying it out loud, or writing it down, just makes it real, like it’s final, irrefutable and absolute. And that doesn’t really go down well with me, baby..

I’m apprehensive, scared and I’m undeniably morose. When the clock strikes 12, I will no longer receive your message, wishing me a happy birthday. For as long as I can remember, when you were old enough to use a mobile phone, yours will be the first to flash across my screen. The first to bring out my smile.

When I wake up in the morning, I will not get a kiss on my cheeks, and a bear hug from the one man that truly matters in my Life. I will no longer hear that unmistakable cheeky voice, shouting, “Happy Birthday, Che!!” And that smile? That beautiful smile will no longer be part of the gift that is rightfully mine to begin with.

So, this birthday, my wishes are simple. Not because the comprehension that I’m nowhere near my mark has dawned on me or that God’s booming down my ear telling me that I’m deluded. But because for once, no matter how brazen the wishes are, I hope that in all my years that my birthday wishes never got granted, these would be the only ones I want God to make good on. And if He doesn’t, then I’ll keep repeating it until I turn 80.

I wish for you to be happy.

Wherever you are, Che wish for you to be smiling and having fun. I wish that you’ve become unburdened by all the earthly things and feelings that you felt you needed to shoulder. Let me be the one to take upon those. Smile down upon us. Let the eye crinkling smile warm the cold days. Let that hearty, vivacious laughter of yours be heard from the Heavens above, so I’ll know you’re dancing among angels. Let the unrestrained jolly chuckle whisper in my ears, so I’ll know to not take myself so seriously that I can’t afford to relax. Grab your beer, and cheers to me. “Cool your jets, Che.”

I wish for you to be free.

Fly high, my baby. Be the wind beneath my wings. Be the gentle breeze that caresses me when the World finds me defeated and crippled. Be the strong enigmatic zephyr that comes with rain to lift my spirits up and let me know that after the storm, comes the sun. Savour and breathe in the freedom that comes with complete abandonment. Let go. Taste it and live it, the only way you imagine. Nothing will ever restrain you anymore. That fiery spirit that you got trapped inside you humanly? It’s all that you are now. All that you ever dream to have. So shoot for the stars and propel yourself towards the moon.

And that’s all I ever want now. For you to be deliriously happy wherever you are. One day, I’ll walk to Heaven’s gates..and all I wish is to see that bewitching and dazzling smile of yours.

On my birthday, I want butterfly kisses and hugs to remind me of yours

I want someone to sing lame love songs made popular by boy bands with me to remind me of the good times you used to sing with me

I want to see and smell some gorgeous flowers; nature’s gift of letting me know that wherever you are, it’s enchanting and awe-inspiring

I want someone to grab me by the hand and spin me around, the way you use to dance with me

On my birthday, I wish for you.

Don’t think I don’t know that those are all tall orders. But if a miracle is what it takes for me to know that you’re near and safe in God’s arms, then so be it.

I love you.

Just say Happy Birthday, Che again..